How (Not) To End An Office Romance. A bright-eyed college grad had just landed an entry-level position in international economic development in New York and soon after began an exciting romance with an older man. She fell hard, and she fell fast. But they weren't ordinary circumstances. He was a co-worker.
How (Not) To End An Office Romance
The pair surreptitiously dated for more than a year without telling anyone at the office. Then, one day, seemingly out of the blue, he took her to dinner and ended it. They didn't discuss how the breakup might affect their work or how they'd handle hallway run-ins. It was just over.
While she'd managed to hide the romance relatively well, it was hard to cover up the breakup. Over the next few weeks co-workers winced at her sudden crying fits--at her desk, in meetings, at the water cooler. One minute she'd be talking about spreadsheets, and the next minute she'd be weeping into her coffee cup. When she did run into her former lover, emotions flooded back and she didn't know what to say or how to maintain her composure.
Several sick days, tissues and awkward encounters later, she was finally able to get on with her life. But looking back now, she says the breakup clearly affected her performance on the job, and that she'd do it all differently if given the chance.
According to a 2009 survey by CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 workers have dated a colleague. Meanwhile, most executives believe that office romances end in disaster and wreak havoc in the workplace, reports the Society for Human Resource Management.
In other words, more co-worker flames mean more workplace flame-outs. Career coach and chief of Cornerstone Executive Development Group Stephen Xavier says there has been a dramatic increase in office romances, partly due to the amount of time we spend on the job and the increase of women in the workplace, and that well over half end in breakups. "Statistically speaking, if you start an office relationship it's likely going to fail," says Xavier. And how you handle the breakup and its aftermath could make or break your job.
Controlling when and where the breakup happens will reduce potential drama. "Handle the breakup outside of the office, preferably after hours or on a weekend," advises Xavier. Then you both will be able to cool off and collect your thoughts. If you do a Dear John in the elevator or office cafeteria, you will get a scene.
Most people do not handle co-worker breakups well. "It's always awkward and it's always messy," Xavier says. He recalls a relationship between two co-workers at an East Coast pharmaceutical company. One was a medical doctor and the other a Ph.D. All logic went out the window when she discovered that he was seeing someone else. She exploded in the hallway and dragged him into her office, screaming and cursing within earshot of her colleagues. She immediately lost credibility.
It's best to handle the breakup conversation gently and directly, says Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist and author of How To Be A Grown Up. "What differentiates an office breakup from a typical breakup is that you still have a relationship later," she says. "You want to be respectful."
Kaiser relates what not to do: She once worked with two auditors who met and began dating because they shared a car when they did field work. When the woman decided things were over, she wasn't sure how to break it off. One day on a field assignment, she pulled over at the market and asked her paramour to get her a bottle of water. When he came back out, she was gone.
Kaiser suggests privately saying something clear and concise, like, "We’re just not a good match." Then it's time to set the breakup ground rules. Co-workers don't have the luxury of hiding their exes on Facebook and calling it day. They will run into each other--and hiding behind the copier is not advisable.
The basic breakup plan often entails who to tell and what the official story will be. Kaiser says more elaborate plans may include which entrances each will use, setting up a lunch schedule so that they won't run into each other and even dividing up workplace friends.
Then it's a matter of maintaining composure and civility on the job. Jill Spiegel, relationship expert and author of How To Talk To Anyone About Anything, says that venting to co-workers or allowing your emotions to take over will hurt your professional reputation. She advises keeping your distance for about six months, being polite but not engaging in conversation and taking care not to bash or sabotage the ex.
Not everyone is so good at keeping their cool. Kaiser remembers one ugly breakup between two lawyers at the same law firm. He broke up with her, and she became enraged, hatching schemes to provoke him to quit. Before going to court, the male lawyer had a habit of packing his briefcase with important documents and then leaving it on an office chair while he grabbed a drink. His ex snuck in, removed the documents and replaced them with a trashy romance novel. He didn't discover the switch until he opened up the briefcase in front of the judge.
Pointed workplace revenge should be reported to a supervisor immediately, but sometimes the anger is mutual--and everybody knows it. Xavier has witnessed breakup fallout in the entertainment industry, and the drama wasn't limited to the screen. Two male writers on a hit TV show had been seeing each other for about six months before the relationship turned sour.
They would storm in and out of meetings, sit at opposite ends of the table and glare, bang notebooks and thump pens. Once on set, they would put as much distance between them as possible and use crew members as intermediaries to deliver one another messages. "It was very uncomfortable for everyone," says Xavier.
How (Not) To End An Office Romance
The pair surreptitiously dated for more than a year without telling anyone at the office. Then, one day, seemingly out of the blue, he took her to dinner and ended it. They didn't discuss how the breakup might affect their work or how they'd handle hallway run-ins. It was just over.
While she'd managed to hide the romance relatively well, it was hard to cover up the breakup. Over the next few weeks co-workers winced at her sudden crying fits--at her desk, in meetings, at the water cooler. One minute she'd be talking about spreadsheets, and the next minute she'd be weeping into her coffee cup. When she did run into her former lover, emotions flooded back and she didn't know what to say or how to maintain her composure.
Several sick days, tissues and awkward encounters later, she was finally able to get on with her life. But looking back now, she says the breakup clearly affected her performance on the job, and that she'd do it all differently if given the chance.
According to a 2009 survey by CareerBuilder.com, four out of 10 workers have dated a colleague. Meanwhile, most executives believe that office romances end in disaster and wreak havoc in the workplace, reports the Society for Human Resource Management.
In other words, more co-worker flames mean more workplace flame-outs. Career coach and chief of Cornerstone Executive Development Group Stephen Xavier says there has been a dramatic increase in office romances, partly due to the amount of time we spend on the job and the increase of women in the workplace, and that well over half end in breakups. "Statistically speaking, if you start an office relationship it's likely going to fail," says Xavier. And how you handle the breakup and its aftermath could make or break your job.
Controlling when and where the breakup happens will reduce potential drama. "Handle the breakup outside of the office, preferably after hours or on a weekend," advises Xavier. Then you both will be able to cool off and collect your thoughts. If you do a Dear John in the elevator or office cafeteria, you will get a scene.
Most people do not handle co-worker breakups well. "It's always awkward and it's always messy," Xavier says. He recalls a relationship between two co-workers at an East Coast pharmaceutical company. One was a medical doctor and the other a Ph.D. All logic went out the window when she discovered that he was seeing someone else. She exploded in the hallway and dragged him into her office, screaming and cursing within earshot of her colleagues. She immediately lost credibility.
It's best to handle the breakup conversation gently and directly, says Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist and author of How To Be A Grown Up. "What differentiates an office breakup from a typical breakup is that you still have a relationship later," she says. "You want to be respectful."
Kaiser relates what not to do: She once worked with two auditors who met and began dating because they shared a car when they did field work. When the woman decided things were over, she wasn't sure how to break it off. One day on a field assignment, she pulled over at the market and asked her paramour to get her a bottle of water. When he came back out, she was gone.
Kaiser suggests privately saying something clear and concise, like, "We’re just not a good match." Then it's time to set the breakup ground rules. Co-workers don't have the luxury of hiding their exes on Facebook and calling it day. They will run into each other--and hiding behind the copier is not advisable.
The basic breakup plan often entails who to tell and what the official story will be. Kaiser says more elaborate plans may include which entrances each will use, setting up a lunch schedule so that they won't run into each other and even dividing up workplace friends.
Then it's a matter of maintaining composure and civility on the job. Jill Spiegel, relationship expert and author of How To Talk To Anyone About Anything, says that venting to co-workers or allowing your emotions to take over will hurt your professional reputation. She advises keeping your distance for about six months, being polite but not engaging in conversation and taking care not to bash or sabotage the ex.
Not everyone is so good at keeping their cool. Kaiser remembers one ugly breakup between two lawyers at the same law firm. He broke up with her, and she became enraged, hatching schemes to provoke him to quit. Before going to court, the male lawyer had a habit of packing his briefcase with important documents and then leaving it on an office chair while he grabbed a drink. His ex snuck in, removed the documents and replaced them with a trashy romance novel. He didn't discover the switch until he opened up the briefcase in front of the judge.
Pointed workplace revenge should be reported to a supervisor immediately, but sometimes the anger is mutual--and everybody knows it. Xavier has witnessed breakup fallout in the entertainment industry, and the drama wasn't limited to the screen. Two male writers on a hit TV show had been seeing each other for about six months before the relationship turned sour.
They would storm in and out of meetings, sit at opposite ends of the table and glare, bang notebooks and thump pens. Once on set, they would put as much distance between them as possible and use crew members as intermediaries to deliver one another messages. "It was very uncomfortable for everyone," says Xavier.
While the end of an office romance can never be good, some are more successful than others. Two managers at a U.K.-based tech company dated for more than a year, and then had a heart-to-heart about why it wasn't working. When they went in on Monday, together they told the executive team they had decided to end the relationship but promised to keep it out of the office and asked for the team's support. The pair kept their distance but remained cordial. Within a few months they were back to being office pals. ( msn.com )
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